Disclaimer: This article is meant to be sarcastic and satirical, so please don't take it too seriously. If you feel you need to discuss your level of satisfaction with life, please reach out to a mental health professional.
Tip 1: Whine away your demons
For every situation, try and find a pessimistic angle to it.
Always find a way to put a negative spin on things like a demon on your shoulder convincing you that things are worse than they actually are. Complain compulsively that you have to go to work instead of that you get to. Lament about everything you have to do as if you're a child being sent to bed.
In fact, get so used to complaining you can no longer recognize when something good happens to you. Believe everything sucks & cling zealously to narratives that weaken you rather than build you up. You need to believe that you're playing a losing game and no habit you try to implement will ever stick because they never have before. What we are trying to achieve here is to defeat yourself before you even start. Reflect only on the negative aspects of yourself until they're all you can see.
Swaddle yourself in the despair of inaction & convince yourself that its somehow less painful than action. So, if you are generally a happy individual & want things to feel a bit less bright, follow this advice and take a plunge into darkness.
Tip 2: Sleep is for the feeble
Don't ever stick to a sleep schedule.
They say that sleep helps regulate mood, brain function, and your overall health. But every night, you want to stay up to watch another season of that show you're binging. You want to have a night out in the town before you have to go to work or class at 08:00 a.m. You can certainly make that work. All you need is, like, two or three hours, tops. You can always take power naps all day, every day, right? Who needs that healthy sleep schedule? The only thing it does is that it increases your productivity anyway.
Oh, and that brain fog that you get after your power naps all day long, don't worry about that. It's okay. You'll just be miserable for life.
Why to miss out on all the short-term fun and stick to a healthy, regulated sleep schedule?
Tip 3: Have an elephant in every room
Facing conflicts at the work place or in your peer circles?
Avoid confrontation at all costs. If someone wrongs you tell them that it's okay. Never let your disapproval show on the surface. Let that resentment build slowly over time. Your job is not to make sure that everyone is right as long as everyone is happy.
You don't want people to think you're a bad person. Let brief disagreements remain unaddressed. Let the unsaid fester and grow as it evolves gradually. Despise people around but try not to snap because that makes you look like a bad person.
It's okay if you slowly start to hate everyone around you as long as they don't hate you.
Tip 4: Substance isn’t going to abuse itself
Going through a messy heartbreak?
Flunked an important exam?
Credit scores are getting to an all-time low?
Why face your problems head on and struggle when you can get drunk and forget all about it? It is an excellent idea to surround yourself constantly with instruments which make sure you can't process your pain, ignore your negative emotions, and put that teeny band-aid over that huge crack in the wall.
People will tell you things along the lines of “Mistakes will make you grow” and “Failure builds character”. But working to solve problems involves hard work and won’t make you feel better immediately, so, turn a deaf ear to all advice and drink yourself to oblivion.
Tip 5: Setting goals and having dreams is a hoax
Remember that plethora of articles, podcasts and seminars on the importance of having goals and dreams to move ahead in life.
Any guesses on what you need to do?
It’s simple. Eliminate your goals and dreams. Don't develop a vision for what your life might be like.
There’s an infallible logic behind it. You see, without a goal, you wouldn’t know whether you're progressing or going places and hence would diminish any chances of disappointment.
Eliminate any desire to get yourself out of a suboptimal situation. Subscribe to the idea that this is just the way life is. This is all that you can be.
It's not hopelessness. It is self-acceptance.
Let it be an excuse to spin your wheel and mentally deteriorate by confusing self-love with self-neglect.
Experience the joys of wandering aimlessly in life not really knowing why you're here.
Tip 6: Have a cushion at every step
Remember the time you didn’t ask doubts in that meeting not wanting to sound stupid? Or the time you didn’t ask your crush out assuming he/she is way out of your league?
I absolutely commend you on your decisions.
If something's risky, just don't do it.
You don't want to end up like that one guy who did that one thing and lost everything. What was his name again?
By avoiding risk, you get to avoid pains.
Believe that the people who made it big in life made obvious beneficial decisions with little perceivable downsides, and just wait for that crystal clear opportunity to come around for you.
Never ask for a raise.
Never tell a risky joke.
Never stand up for what you think is right
Never apply for a job, unless you know for sure you're going to get it.
Never ask somebody out unless you know for certain that they're interested.
Always wait for the obvious play because it'll present itself eventually.
Tip 7: Being a couch potato is epic
Exercising is massively overrated.
So many campaigns everywhere about getting up and moving, but why take the time and the effort to do so?
Don't feel motivated by all these people posting selfies at the gym smiling. Just ignore it as hype.
They say exercise releases endorphins, helps elevate mood, increases appetite, and boosts overall health. I mean, it is as unbelievable as saying that the earth is round.
How can something so painful and tiring can be so rewarding or help in your happiness. It's not like activities involving self-care reduces anxiety or helps you connect with your mind, body and emotions. Not even close, right? It's not like it is functional or relaxing.
Nope.
Staying on the couch all cozy and miserable is the way to go.
Tip 8: Be frugal with celebrations
Lastly, don't celebrate small victories.
It's all or nothing. All right?
There's a psychologist who gave a Ted Talk and wrote a book about happiness. He said that little celebrations help keep you happy and motivated, and that happiness and motivation leads to a higher level of productivity.
For example, your long-term goal is to open a bakery, but you just sold your first ever dessert baked out of your home.
You have started a new job and have landed your first client.
You are working on a new project and have just sent in your first report.
Get lost in the cobwebs of your own mind, divorced from any kind of external scrutiny. Sure, that rush of positivity on your first sale or client or report could drive you forward, but why not just save all that celebration to the end?
You're not even close. Geez!
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